Fucked Up Valentines

@suziplasse started the #FUValentines hashtag yesterday, and it sparked my hashtag mojo, so I collected my contributions here (some edited):

For Valentine’s day, may I have this dance? Yes? Shit. I just came in my pants.

I know that we have six kids whom you adore. On Valentine’s day you should know, you’re the father of only four.

This month of Valentine’s, I know you’ll be spending your days. Fucking your boss – you know, we could really use a raise.

On Valentine’s day, there’s hot sex to behold. But I’m watching from the door, a sorry cuckold.

Once again, I’m spending Valentine’s alone. Waiting for you to come home from your date with Tyrone.

Here I sit, my heart all in tatters. Remembering her final words to me: Size Matters

I swore when we met, I would love you until death. Then one day you came home with cock on your breath.

When we first met, I swore you were my Venus. Now I’ve got a bad fucking rash around my penis.

This last Valentines day, with you I will pass. And beg you one last time to take it in the ass.

Roses are red, and walls are thick. I’ve cherished our time, but it turns out I like dick.

Roses are red, logs are hollow. I’m leaving you for her, because you don’t swallow.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Love is forever, and herpes is, too.

Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself