Fucked Up Valentines

@suziplasse started the #FUValentines hashtag yesterday, and it sparked my hashtag mojo, so I collected my contributions here (some edited):

For Valentine’s day, may I have this dance? Yes? Shit. I just came in my pants.

I know that we have six kids whom you adore. On Valentine’s day you should know, you’re the father of only four.

This month of Valentine’s, I know you’ll be spending your days. Fucking your boss – you know, we could really use a raise.

On Valentine’s day, there’s hot sex to behold. But I’m watching from the door, a sorry cuckold.

Once again, I’m spending Valentine’s alone. Waiting for you to come home from your date with Tyrone.

Here I sit, my heart all in tatters. Remembering her final words to me: Size Matters

I swore when we met, I would love you until death. Then one day you came home with cock on your breath.

When we first met, I swore you were my Venus. Now I’ve got a bad fucking rash around my penis.

This last Valentines day, with you I will pass. And beg you one last time to take it in the ass.

Roses are red, and walls are thick. I’ve cherished our time, but it turns out I like dick.

Roses are red, logs are hollow. I’m leaving you for her, because you don’t swallow.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Love is forever, and herpes is, too.

Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself

Screw You Guys. I’m Going Home. And I’m Taking My Penis With Me.

(If you need catching up: Part I is here, and part II is here.)

The docs examined their handiwork, and proclaimed it to be Good, then went on to tell me that they had to change course mid-surgery and go ahead with the buccal mucosa graft. I said, “Mmmm mmmmfit,” which loosely translated from the original Klingon means, “No shit.”

They told me to get rested and I’d see them in the morning.

Meanwhile, in the bed next to me, my roommate was in some serious pain. He’d used up all his allotted morphine, I guess, because he kept calling the nurse and asking when he could get more in his clicker. I was hoping that they would cave and give him some because he was obviously in agony. We were separated by a thin curtain (dignity!) so I could hear him quite well. Sleep was pretty hard to come by, but at around 11:00, he buzzed the nurse and said, “I think I’m ready to take a dump.”

I heard the nurse come in, and they set up one of those standalone commodes. I know this because the nurse said, “I brought in a commode for you to use.”

There were some rustling noises as they got him out of bed, and on to the john. I then heard an explosion which can only result from several days of non-compliance to the PWD Ethos.

Then, oddly, I heard him snoring. Then, the nurse went into panic mode, and called code on him.

I was wide awake at this point.

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

In Which My Penis and I Have an Encounter With Modern Medicine™

If you haven’t already, this will make more sense if you read the first part.

If you’ve had a recent encounter with Modern Medicine™, you know that a hospital of any decent size will have a well-oiled bureacracy that rivals that of the federal government, both in efficiency and friendliness.

So it was that after I arranged an appointment for the surgery with the New Cock Doc, I got a packet in the mail with a whole shit-ton of useful information, and also some forms (surprise!) to fill out with respect to my current health status.

I wasted no time getting the forms back, since I was at home and had all the information handy. Insurance info, health history, medications, the whole shitaree went on that form, which I mailed back in the enclosed, pre-addressed envelope; all in the name of efficiency and preparation. Sending them the forms well ahead of time would give them ample opportunity to lose them.

All that was really left was to make travel arrangements and wait.

But, as the wise philosopher and sage Tom Petty once noted, the waiting is the hardest part.

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

Come In. Sit Down. Can I Get You a Cup of Coffee? Are you Comfortable? Let’s Talk About My Penis.

Background: About 12 years ago, I had an “infection,” it wasn’t that kind of infection, but an infection nonetheless. A quick round of antibiotics later, and everything was good to go.

Or so I thought.

Fast forward to 2008. I’m in a hotel in NOLA, and after enjoying some local fare, I made a pit stop in my room and notice that my output was, how shall we say? Tinged with red.

I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on the Internets. (Well, except on alt.furries.lame.tv.re-creations. Call me Doggie Bowser, MD. Don’t judge.) Anyway, I surmised instantly that this could not be a Good Thing, so I made a mental note to make an appointment with my (youngish female) doctor upon my return.

I won’t go into the details of that visit, other than to say that I understand the term “clinical detachment” much better, and also my doc actually LOL’d when were done and I said, “Usually when I get that done, it’s not covered by insurance.”

That visit led to a referral to a urologist, henceforth known as “The Cock Doc.” The Cock Doc, while a competent and highly regarded professional, has the personality of a bag of sand. Which made me uncomfortable because what better opportunity are you going to have to make dick jokes? Dick jokes are the universal social lubricant, as we all know.

A quick examination and history, and he decided he wanted to look at my bladder using a small camera. It took me 3 nanoseconds to understand that the odds were strongly against him working the camera down through my kidneys. The shortest trip from A to B was obviously via my urethra, and you don’t have to have a degree in physiology to understand the implications of that.

The procedure is called a cystoscopy. You need only watch a minute of this video to get a good visual on what a cystocopy is all about.

Yeah. So, anyway, the dreaded date arrived, and you can imagine that I entered the exam room with some trepidation; especially as it looks a bit like a medieval torture chamber, what with the stirrups and all. Yes. Stirrups.

Now, as you can imagine, you probably don’t want that camera run up to your bladder without a little something to numb the pain, and that is provided. In gel form. Delivered the same route that the camera will follow.

So after getting through being numbed up, and waiting for the camera insertion, it takes all of 15 seconds for him to say, “Can’t get in there. You have a stricture.”

Stricture?

“Scarring and closure of the urethra.” Of course, I think immediately of Hank Hill and his narrow urethra, but the LOL’s just aren’t coming for some reason.

“What do we do about that?”

“We’ll have to cut it open.”

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Get The Fuck Outta Here!, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

We The Sheeple

Yesterday, I did my civic duty and went to the polling place to vote against the school mill levy.

Yeah, I know. Anti school! Anti kids! My feeling is that if we didn’t send so much money to those chuzzlewits occupying the Department of Education, we could buy all the shit we needed without going begging every year.

Oh, and BTW, the language on this one made it a permanent increase. I just wish there was a ballot option for “Fuck NO.”

Anyway, hanging outside the polling place was a Concerned Citizen(tm) (only thing missing was eau de Patchouli) gathering signatures on a petition to get bus service into the rural area of the valley.

As I went in, she accosted a soccer mom on her way out and said, “Would you like to sign our petition to get bus service in the valley on the November ballot?” Soccer Mom said, “Sure!” and happily signed the petition.

So, I went on in to vote, and sure enough, she buttonholed me when I came out.

I said, “If you’re getting this on the ballot, how are you planning on funding it? Public funds?”

“I don’t know. Mill levy? Grants?”

“Did you do a feasability study that I can read?”

*blink*

“Sorry. Not interested.”

Bet your ass, though, that this thing will end up on the fucking ballot in November, and people will vote for it because Hey! Bus service! Good for the environment & shit.

Then no one will fucking ride it, and the taxpayers will be left holding the bag. The Bus Board, or what the fuck ever, will blame the problem on a “Lack of Awareness,” so there will be expensive advertising campaigns on the public dime.

The thing is? Most of the people who live out in the valley don’t need to take the fucking bus anyway!

But Hey! Bus service!

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself, We're So Fucked

Holy Fucking Self-Righteous Douchiness, Batman

You must read Sheri Gilmour’s blog, and follow @sherigilmour on Twitter. This is an order. Funny shit.

She started an epic thread at the Starbucks idea site, which can be found here.

You HAVE to read the final fucking comment:

i find it so hurtful that some people don’t fully consider the environmental impact of their lives. i do nothing without looking at how my actions affect the world around me; often this leads me to refrain from selfish behavior for a better world.

Right there is a Dude who is not Pooping Well. I guarantee it.

Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch

The Language of Debate

I woke up this morning and headed to my Bloglines page, where I subscribe to a few of my local lefty blogs.

I pretty much do this every morning to keep a consistent level of bile in my system, and believe me, it fucking works.

Anyway, I tumbled on to one that referred to “anti-reformers” and went on to call them (us) “fascists” for wanting the government to prop up private insurance companies.

I looked at that and said, “What in the blue FUCK do you mean by that?” Then, I wished upon them a skull-fucking, the likes of which haven’t been seen since Gunny berated Private Pyle when he was on the shitter with his rifle. But upon reflection, I decided that the skull fucking had already happened, since only a mush-brained O-Bot could make that logical leap.

Using “anti-reform” in that manner indicates some pretty deep intellectual dishonesty and laziness. And “fascist?” Give me a fucking break! You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means.

But this language gets picked up and parroted through the MSM on a nightly basis, and the people who can’t be bothered to actually learn anything from somewhere else accept it as gospel.

Let’s get one thing straight: I have insurance through my employer, and it’s OK, but holy mother fuck do I hate the insurance companies.

Their policies are byzantine to the point of being unreadable, and Gord help you when you have to enter the bureaucracy. It rivals a government agency, and in fact, the way insurance is set up in my world, it is a quasi-government agency. Since I am (unwillingly) a union member, I have a grand total of 3 plans to choose from, offered by two companies. The opportunity for me to find a policy that is tailored to my needs is exactly fucking nil.

Plus, what I pay in a year to insurance, combined with what I pay out of pocket is fucking obscene. I could split that money in a concierge-style manner among my doctor, my dentist and the eye doctor, and probably keep everyone in business, and not have to worry if a claim is going to be approved or not.

This “reform” that HRHBPBHO calls for “sacrifice” from just about everyone except trial lawyers and unions. Not only that, but why aren’t we asking the fucking DOCTORS how we can help them lower costs?

You want fucking reform? Here’s PMC’s plan for reform.

• Tort Reform: This can bring malpractice premiums down, which in turn brings costs down. We’re so litigious that malpractice now means the smallest fuck-up. Doctors are humans and make mistakes. Let’s fix it up so that they have to make them right for the minor fuck ups, and yes, let’s sue the shit out of them when it’s egregious.
• De-Couple Insurance and employment: This has a double effect, a nice one being a reduction in the cost of labor for employers, it gets rid of COBRA, and allows people to seek out their own insurance plans, rather than one that hits one standard deviation from the middle of the Bell curve. Competition for insurance will also lower the cost in that arena as well.
• Reduce the amount of paperwork and coding that has to be done. Next time you’re at the doctor’s office, find out how many employees are dedicated almost solely to paperwork and administration.

Those are three things I think would make an immediate and significant impact. There are other issues, as well, but I think reducing costs in this manner would have a cascade effect, and maybe people who have been using the ER for primary care could now afford to see a GP.

The vast majority of people who work in health care want to, you know, HELP PEOPLE.

Let’s fucking figure out how to make it easier and cheaper for them, which makes it cheaper and easier for all of us.

Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself, We're So Fucked

More Fuck-Ku

Fuck You, Joe Biden.
You’re a fucking asshelmet.
And your hair plugs suck.

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself

Be The Parent, Danny, Be The Parent

So I’m sitting there (actually here, because if I were there I could tell you this right to your face and spare the world this cuss-fest) watching Hannity and some Bimbette is on the panel talking about how the people elected Obama because they really feel like Government can fix their problems for them.

It’s times like this that HG Wells’ vision of Morlocks and Eloi really hit home for me, and you know what? I’m a fuckin’ Morlock. And I look forward to feasting on you well-kept fucking Eloi because you’re really too stupid to be anything but overblown cattle.

Christ, right now I’m thinking I could have done a master’s thesis on how “The Time Machine” was really a metaphor for socialism before Orwell even had swine-flu induced visions, but I know that it would have gotten me nowhere, because there’s not a “humanities” professor alive who’s intellectually honest enough to consider it.

Fuck.

Oh yeah, the “be the parent” theme I was going for.

If you have kids, and you give them everything they want all the time, what incentive do they have to get off the tit?

Some of you are going to have to think about this way longer than others, I’m sure, but the rest of you already know what I’m saying and I’m preaching to the converted.

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself

I Love A Righteous Comeuppance

Arlen Specter (D,R,D Douchebag) has learned the hard way what most of us have known all along: Democrats will fuck you in the ass any chance they get. They will fuck you in the ass, Arlen, even when they promise you shit like keeping your seniority.

And knowing how they’ll fuck someone who’s defected to come over to their side, what makes you think that you aren’t going to get the John Holmes treatment when Universal Healthcare comes around, citizen?

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself