Potty Mouth Conservative

Your Hide Will Make A Fine Poncho

Fucked Up Valentines

@suziplasse started the #FUValentines hashtag yesterday, and it sparked my hashtag mojo, so I collected my contributions here (some edited):

For Valentine’s day, may I have this dance? Yes? Shit. I just came in my pants.

I know that we have six kids whom you adore. On Valentine’s day you should know, you’re the father of only four.

This month of Valentine’s, I know you’ll be spending your days. Fucking your boss – you know, we could really use a raise.

On Valentine’s day, there’s hot sex to behold. But I’m watching from the door, a sorry cuckold.

Once again, I’m spending Valentine’s alone. Waiting for you to come home from your date with Tyrone.

Here I sit, my heart all in tatters. Remembering her final words to me: Size Matters

I swore when we met, I would love you until death. Then one day you came home with cock on your breath.

When we first met, I swore you were my Venus. Now I’ve got a bad fucking rash around my penis.

This last Valentines day, with you I will pass. And beg you one last time to take it in the ass.

Roses are red, and walls are thick. I’ve cherished our time, but it turns out I like dick.

Roses are red, logs are hollow. I’m leaving you for her, because you don’t swallow.

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Love is forever, and herpes is, too.

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Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself

Screw You Guys. I’m Going Home. And I’m Taking My Penis With Me.

(If you need catching up: Part I is here, and part II is here.)

The docs examined their handiwork, and proclaimed it to be Good, then went on to tell me that they had to change course mid-surgery and go ahead with the buccal mucosa graft. I said, “Mmmm mmmmfit,” which loosely translated from the original Klingon means, “No shit.”

They told me to get rested and I’d see them in the morning.

Meanwhile, in the bed next to me, my roommate was in some serious pain. He’d used up all his allotted morphine, I guess, because he kept calling the nurse and asking when he could get more in his clicker. I was hoping that they would cave and give him some because he was obviously in agony. We were separated by a thin curtain (dignity!) so I could hear him quite well. Sleep was pretty hard to come by, but at around 11:00, he buzzed the nurse and said, “I think I’m ready to take a dump.”

I heard the nurse come in, and they set up one of those standalone commodes. I know this because the nurse said, “I brought in a commode for you to use.”

There were some rustling noises as they got him out of bed, and on to the john. I then heard an explosion which can only result from several days of non-compliance to the PWD Ethos.

Then, oddly, I heard him snoring. Then, the nurse went into panic mode, and called code on him.

I was wide awake at this point.

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Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

In Which My Penis and I Have an Encounter With Modern Medicine™

If you haven’t already, this will make more sense if you read the first part.

If you’ve had a recent encounter with Modern Medicine™, you know that a hospital of any decent size will have a well-oiled bureacracy that rivals that of the federal government, both in efficiency and friendliness.

So it was that after I arranged an appointment for the surgery with the New Cock Doc, I got a packet in the mail with a whole shit-ton of useful information, and also some forms (surprise!) to fill out with respect to my current health status.

I wasted no time getting the forms back, since I was at home and had all the information handy. Insurance info, health history, medications, the whole shitaree went on that form, which I mailed back in the enclosed, pre-addressed envelope; all in the name of efficiency and preparation. Sending them the forms well ahead of time would give them ample opportunity to lose them.

All that was really left was to make travel arrangements and wait.

But, as the wise philosopher and sage Tom Petty once noted, the waiting is the hardest part.

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Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

Una salsa muy salsa

3 large tomatoes
3 roma tomatoes
1 white onion
1 red onion
4 cloves garlic, or 1 small bulb
2 serrano peppers
2 tbsp Fresh cilantro, chopped (approx)  
1 habanero pepper
1/3 cup lime juice (approx)
2 tbsp canning salt

Dice all the tomatoes. Put in bowl.

Chop the onions. Put in bowl.

Chop the garlic finely. Put in bowl.

Chop the serranos finely. Put in bowl.

Chop the hababero finely. Put in bowl.

(Note: For all “bowl” operations, it is advisable to use the same bowl for best results.)

Stir everything up, then add lime juice and salt.

Stir some more so that the salt is thoroughly mixed in. Add more for taste.

Also adjust cilantro, garlic and pepper levels for taste. This one is warm and has a nice kick, but won’t make you sweat.

No warranties express or implied, your mileage may vary. Call your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Side effects may include gastric distress up to and including death. May interfere with Pooping Well, dudes. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

Filed under: Get The Fuck Outta Here!, What the Fuck?

Now I Feel Old

This picture is from a 1978 Battle of the Network Stars. Levar Burton asked on Twitter how many can you name. Here’s mine. I’ll leave ’em below the fold if you haven’t seen the pic yet and want to take a stab.

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Filed under: What the Fuck?

Come In. Sit Down. Can I Get You a Cup of Coffee? Are you Comfortable? Let’s Talk About My Penis.

Background: About 12 years ago, I had an “infection,” it wasn’t that kind of infection, but an infection nonetheless. A quick round of antibiotics later, and everything was good to go.

Or so I thought.

Fast forward to 2008. I’m in a hotel in NOLA, and after enjoying some local fare, I made a pit stop in my room and notice that my output was, how shall we say? Tinged with red.

I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on the Internets. (Well, except on alt.furries.lame.tv.re-creations. Call me Doggie Bowser, MD. Don’t judge.) Anyway, I surmised instantly that this could not be a Good Thing, so I made a mental note to make an appointment with my (youngish female) doctor upon my return.

I won’t go into the details of that visit, other than to say that I understand the term “clinical detachment” much better, and also my doc actually LOL’d when were done and I said, “Usually when I get that done, it’s not covered by insurance.”

That visit led to a referral to a urologist, henceforth known as “The Cock Doc.” The Cock Doc, while a competent and highly regarded professional, has the personality of a bag of sand. Which made me uncomfortable because what better opportunity are you going to have to make dick jokes? Dick jokes are the universal social lubricant, as we all know.

A quick examination and history, and he decided he wanted to look at my bladder using a small camera. It took me 3 nanoseconds to understand that the odds were strongly against him working the camera down through my kidneys. The shortest trip from A to B was obviously via my urethra, and you don’t have to have a degree in physiology to understand the implications of that.

The procedure is called a cystoscopy. You need only watch a minute of this video to get a good visual on what a cystocopy is all about.

Yeah. So, anyway, the dreaded date arrived, and you can imagine that I entered the exam room with some trepidation; especially as it looks a bit like a medieval torture chamber, what with the stirrups and all. Yes. Stirrups.

Now, as you can imagine, you probably don’t want that camera run up to your bladder without a little something to numb the pain, and that is provided. In gel form. Delivered the same route that the camera will follow.

So after getting through being numbed up, and waiting for the camera insertion, it takes all of 15 seconds for him to say, “Can’t get in there. You have a stricture.”

Stricture?

“Scarring and closure of the urethra.” Of course, I think immediately of Hank Hill and his narrow urethra, but the LOL’s just aren’t coming for some reason.

“What do we do about that?”

“We’ll have to cut it open.”

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Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Get The Fuck Outta Here!, LOLPENIS!, What the Fuck?

Follow-Up

As per my last post, I attended last night’s regular school board meeting.

The superintendent gave a report on the so-called “health curriculum,” which consisted of him saying that the committee was going to revise the curriculum document, with special attention to age-appropriateness, present it to the board on September 14th, invite public comment in late September, then vote in October.

The superintendent in his remarks said that they’d studied other curricula around the state, and that the vast majority of the districts followed a more “traditional” model for sex ed.

I commented at the end of the meeting that perhaps the reason for that is because a traditional model is what most accurately reflects Montana’s values.

Some of the people I talked to view this as a victory, but I’m not so sure. Less than a month to adjust a curriculum that needs major rewrites? I dunno. It reeks of lip service to me.

The meeting was not nearly as well-attended, and most people left when the main topic — the budget — came up.

Guess where most of your tax dollar goes around here. Not to the feds; not to the state, but the local school.

I’m a pessimist. I still think they are working very hard to push this thing through, and it’s going to get passed in one way or another.

Filed under: We're So Fucked

Helena School Board Meeting Recap

I’m not going to recap the whole controversy here, just because you can go Google it, if you really don’t know yet.

This article gets it mostly right, but there is a subtle bias. The article notes that 34 spoke in favor and 30 in opposition, which may lead to the impression that there were more proponents than oppenents. This is misleading at best. Rough guesstimate, 70%-80% of the attendees were opposed.

The ground rules laid down were pretty much “stick to your two minutes,” “no personal attacks,” and “be respectful.” Three or four proponents made use of their “respectful” time by making snide remarks about Catholic education. Which was evidently OK, because the “facilitator” didn’t say anything.

Commentary in favor seemed to be largely anecdotal evidence and pleas for “tolerance.” The “usual suspects” were there: P-FLAG, Planned Parenthood, NARAL, Human Rights Network, ACLU. There were some arguments based on prevention of STI’s and pregnancies. (Whatever happened to STD’s? “Disease” too harsh or something?)

One of the arguments that bothered me the most came from a school board member (who is, incidentally, married to a Democratic legislator) who said that he, too, objected initially, but then came around to agreement because teaching a child about sex can prevent sexual abuse. This is an LEO, by the by. He drug out a long story about a convicted sex offender who was on the run and was possibly in Montana, and how this curriculum could maybe prevent some kid from being abused. First of all, most child sexual abuse comes from someone who is in a position of trust and authority, i.e., family, teachers, and/or clergy; not some wild-eyed stranger. So, this argument was not only a non-starter in my book, it was utterly nonsensical.

Several gay men spoke to how they were bullied and tormented, and how this curriculum would fix that. Well, no it wouldn’t. Is bullying a problem? Absolutely. Ask anyone who is “different.” Doesn’t matter if you’re gay, or a computer nerd, or any number of “things,” cretins will bully you. Is bullying a problem that can be solved? Probably not. People are assholes. Always have been, always will be. Don’t cheapen someone else being bullied, by placing special emphasis on sexual orientation. Plenty of straight kids get bullied, too. I don’t want to minimize the bullying in any way. But it’s a discrete issue.

After the “pro” side spoke, most of them left. (Tolerance for diffrerent viewpoints, yanno.)

As the opponents spoke, there were a couple anecdotal speakers. One said, “I knew everything about sex, and ended up getting pregnant anyway.” There were two former teachers who basically said, “Leave this out. Math, reading, writing, literature, music and art are far more important than this. Shore up those programs first.” Many people said, in essence, “We were left out of the process. Let’s step back and bring EVERYBODY to the table and find something that the community can live with.” Not once did I hear that from the proponents. (To be fair, someone may have made that point, but if so, I don’t remember.)

There were the requisite appeals to morality, of course. While relevant, I’m not sure that they “win hearts and minds,” in the parlance of our times.

So now it’s back to the board’s hands. I suspect they are being inundated with calls, emails, letters and faxes.

I’ll be going to the next board meeting, so will have more to talk about then.

As for me, going into next school year, my school kids will be 12, 9 and 5. They want to teach 5 year olds about penis and vagina and uterus. My five year-old says stuff to me like, “Daddy, butterflies are very beautiful,” “Daddy, fireworks are for boys AND girls,” or “Daddy, your tools can fix everything,” She’s not ready for “penis” and “vagina.” I know that. I can see it. She knows that no one is supposed to touch her private places.

Right now, that’s enough for all of us.

Filed under: We're So Fucked

We The Sheeple

Yesterday, I did my civic duty and went to the polling place to vote against the school mill levy.

Yeah, I know. Anti school! Anti kids! My feeling is that if we didn’t send so much money to those chuzzlewits occupying the Department of Education, we could buy all the shit we needed without going begging every year.

Oh, and BTW, the language on this one made it a permanent increase. I just wish there was a ballot option for “Fuck NO.”

Anyway, hanging outside the polling place was a Concerned Citizen(tm) (only thing missing was eau de Patchouli) gathering signatures on a petition to get bus service into the rural area of the valley.

As I went in, she accosted a soccer mom on her way out and said, “Would you like to sign our petition to get bus service in the valley on the November ballot?” Soccer Mom said, “Sure!” and happily signed the petition.

So, I went on in to vote, and sure enough, she buttonholed me when I came out.

I said, “If you’re getting this on the ballot, how are you planning on funding it? Public funds?”

“I don’t know. Mill levy? Grants?”

“Did you do a feasability study that I can read?”

*blink*

“Sorry. Not interested.”

Bet your ass, though, that this thing will end up on the fucking ballot in November, and people will vote for it because Hey! Bus service! Good for the environment & shit.

Then no one will fucking ride it, and the taxpayers will be left holding the bag. The Bus Board, or what the fuck ever, will blame the problem on a “Lack of Awareness,” so there will be expensive advertising campaigns on the public dime.

The thing is? Most of the people who live out in the valley don’t need to take the fucking bus anyway!

But Hey! Bus service!

Filed under: Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch, Go Fuck Yourself, We're So Fucked

Holy Fucking Self-Righteous Douchiness, Batman

You must read Sheri Gilmour’s blog, and follow @sherigilmour on Twitter. This is an order. Funny shit.

She started an epic thread at the Starbucks idea site, which can be found here.

You HAVE to read the final fucking comment:

i find it so hurtful that some people don’t fully consider the environmental impact of their lives. i do nothing without looking at how my actions affect the world around me; often this leads me to refrain from selfish behavior for a better world.

Right there is a Dude who is not Pooping Well. I guarantee it.

Filed under: ...And Your Mom's A Whore, Beavis, You Are One Dumb Sonofabitch